THE HEAVENS—After new evidence came to light revealing the true origins of heaven and earth, the Almighty God faced widespread criticism Tuesday for stealing credit for the universe from a Black Creator. “As it turns out, the being long credited as the divine architect of the universe merely registered the patent for all creation, when in fact the concept, design, and manufacturing of our reality were the work of a Black deity,” said Oxford University theologian Howard Whitlock, explaining how a variety of scrolls, tablets, and oral histories corroborated the shocking reports that God was a minor collaborator who joined the universe project in the final stages and was only personally involved in the creation of jellyfish and pterodactyls. “Throughout history, we’ve seen the contributions of Black communities erased, and to see that God intentionally did so as well is deeply upsetting. Even ‘Let there be light’ was stolen verbatim out of the Black deity’s mouth. All of the basic elements for the earth and space were apparently in place before God showed up, and of course He never credited the team of Black engineers who helped develop fauna.” At press time, several new reports raised questions about the true paternity of Jesus Christ.