THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan. “It seems like such a fascinating culture, and I’m excited to try sushi in the country that started it all,” said the Divine Creator, adding that while He only knew a few words of Japanese, He had read online that the people there were generally happy to help out a visitor, even if they didn’t know English themselves. “I have to do the bullet train—I think it goes 200 mph or something like that—and maybe I can get tickets to a sumo match. I also think it’ll be fun to just wander around and look at interesting stuff. I’ve heard you can get pretty much anything from a vending machine.” At press time, God had booked a two-week vacation and was researching tips for minimizing jet lag.

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