HEAVEN—Following decades of careful financial management, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, remarked on His excitement at realizing that only two mortgage payments stood between Him and outright ownership of Heaven. “After 6,000 years of paying off this loan, it’s crazy to think that I’m mere weeks away from calling the whole place Mine,” said the Divine Creator, noting what a relief it would be to see the 15th of the month approach without worrying about getting a payment in on time, and to not lie awake at night worrying that His bank might foreclose on Paradise and repossess His Heavenly Throne. “Now, obviously it sucks that Heaven’s market value is 10 or 15 percent below what it used to be, and that I ultimately paid twice its old value over the ages, but I’m just happy I can finally call it my own. Now I can concentrate on fixing up Purgatory—the Reformation wasn’t exactly good for my rental units there—and getting my son to finally move out.” At press time, God’s bank, JP Morgan Chase of North America, was touting the Lord Almighty’s success as an inspiration to non-white homeowners everywhere.
More from The Onion