HEAVEN—Condemning the heretical rejection of His divine will by a blasphemously underweight mankind, God declared Himself furious toward every person not actively striving to become as fat as possible off the divine bounty He has provided for His people upon the Earth. “This is the land of milk and honey, and also of fine meats, cheeses, fruits and nuts, breadstuffs, wines, and all manner of good things that I have set upon the Earth, all given freely to you, so chow down,” said the Creator, ruler and sustainer of all the Earth, noting that the human body was indeed a temple, and that a temple should be built as large as possible. “I had always intended for the weight of all sons and daughters of Isaac and Ishmael to be seven talents [approximately 500 pounds]; yet in their thousands and tens of thousands, many seek to eat as little as possible, and of that paucity, no carbohydrates. It is a blasphemy.” God further cautioned that, if humanity did not begin fattening themselves like sacrificial calves, He would be forced to make a chosen people of the Americans.
More from The Onion