Illustration for article titled God Happens Upon Tribe Of Primitive, Sky-Worshipping Angels In Previously Uncontacted Region Of Heaven

THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion as to the origin of the primitive celestial messengers, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, came across a tribe of sky-worshipping angels Tuesday in a region of Heaven previously believed to be uninhabited. “Thus far, they’ve been unreceptive to My word—when I sent John to act as My missionary, they wounded him with a crude obsidian spear,” said the Lord, admitting He still has “a lot to learn” about the tribe. “They speak a completely different dialect of Enochian, so it’s been difficult to explain the New Testament to them. They harvest some form of manna for nourishment and praise the sky for providing their bounty. Just goes to show that I don’t know everything.” At press time, God announced plans to completely wipe out the tribe if they do not convert to Christianity. 

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