Illustration for article titled God Orders All Followers To Swallow Cyanide Capsules In Preparation For Voyage To Alpha Centauri

THE HEAVENS—Assuring His disciples that they would meet again in the next world, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, ordered His followers to swallow cyanide capsules Monday in preparation for their voyage to Alpha Centauri. “Join Me! We embark on our cosmic journey into the farthest reaches of the galaxy,” said Our Lord, commanding His followers to don all-white robes and matching white sneakers before initiating the ritual. “The day I have foreseen for so long is finally upon us. Heed My voice! You are all possessed of the souls of higher intergalactic beings! All you need to do to realize the totality of your immense potential is to take the contents of one small paper cup into your corrupt and puny human body.” Nothing more has been heard from God or His approximately 2.3 billion followers since they entered God’s compound in Overland Park, KS and locked the doors behind them late Monday afternoon.


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