THE HEAVENS—Angered to be missing out on the spectacular celestial phenomenon, God, Our Lord and Father, was reportedly pissed Monday that the solar eclipse would not be visible from Heaven. “Dammit, I’ve walked around every cloud here, and the sun looks the same no matter where I am,” said the Almighty, fuming that He wasted “eight freaking bucks” on special viewing glasses only to find out nothing was happening. “I looked it up online, and it said that I should be right in the path of total coverage. But it just seems like any other stupid day. So now I either have to watch this on some glitchy NASA livestream or wait until 2024 for the next one? That’s total bullshit.” At press time, the Lord had permanently installed the moon directly in front of the sun, so he could watch an eclipse anytime he wanted.

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