God Really Dreading Visit From Older Brother Who Made Much More Successful Cosmos

CREATION—Admitting that the mere thought of hosting His guest next weekend filled Him with terrible anxiety, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed Monday that He was “really dreading” an upcoming visit from His older brother, who had brought into being a far more successful cosmos. “I stress out whenever my brother visits because His universe doesn’t even have war or famine, so when I try to talk to Him about my problems, He just stares at me with this blank look upon His countenance. It’s like, come on, I’m trying my best over here,” said the Creator of All Things, adding that He tries, really tries, to be a compassionate and merciful God, but His brother’s visits always leave Him feeling deeply inadequate despite His vast accomplishments. “Last time He was here, He kept going on and on about how His flock never had to leave their Edenic garden and was making all these little passive-aggressive jabs, like, ‘Oh, wow, creating humans in your image, how original, I suppose I just enjoy taking risks, more of a challenge that way, don’t You know, but still it’s nice that You stick to the basics, simplicity is its own virtue, I suppose, at least in Your world.’ He actually said that! And you should have seen the way He was squinting at sub-Saharan Africa, just being terribly judgmental. It feels like no matter what I do or how I live my life, nothing I ever do will be good enough for Him. Man, I hope humanity never feels that way about Me.” At press time, God was attempting to create an elaborate excuse to cancel on His brother.

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