THE HEAVENS—Shaking His head at what a troublemaker He once was, the Lord God, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, reportedly paused Wednesday to recall a youthful incident in which He dismembered and tortured an angel out of a mix of curiosity and sheer boredom. “I was always seeing if I could catch angels, and there was one time I got one, tore his wings off, and watched him writhe on the ground for a while,” said God, who cited a litany of other childhood abuses that included dropping angels from extreme heights, dunking them in puddles, and searing them with focused rays of sunlight. “I’m certainly not proud of it, but I used to get up to all kinds of mischief in those days. Putting a cherub and a seraph in a cage just to watch them fight, stuff like that. What can I say? I had a lot of time on My hands.” God went on to state that He’s matured quite a bit since then, and that if angels get in His face nowadays, He just swats them away.
More from The Onion