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God Regrets Never Learning Spanish

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THE HEAVENS—Kicking Himself for never getting around to developing what would have been a useful skill, God, Our Heavenly Father, and the Creator of the Universe, admitted Thursday that he regretted never learning to speak Spanish.

God reported feeling frustrated with Himself that He had procrastinated for so long, admitting to reporters that if He had made a concerted effort to master the language when He was younger, He could have probably already been fluent by now.

“Ever since the Crusades, I’ve been meaning to learn Spanish, but here it is already 2021 and I still don’t know how to say more than ‘What time is it?’ or ‘Two beers, please,’” said the omniscient deity, adding that the decreased neuroplasticity brought on by His advanced age would likely make it significantly more challenging to learn a new language. “It sucks because if I’d taken some night classes or even just traveled around Spain or Mexico a bit, I could probably have picked up the basics. Then again, maybe it’s not too late. I’ve always been a quick study, and I’m already fairly conversant in Italian which people say is pretty similar.”

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“You know, I’ve had a copy of Miguel de Cervantes’ Don Quixote in its original text beside my bed for centuries that I’ve always wanted to read,” God continued. “Plus the billions of prayers from Spanish-speaking souls that I’ve never been able to understand.”

Heavenly sources confirmed that in recent weeks, God had taken numerous steps in an attempt to shore up his language skills, going so far as to tape up index cards with the words “la puerta” on the Pearly Gates, and “las nubas” over various clouds. The Divine Creator also reportedly enlisted all of Heaven into the learning exercises, requesting that the angels and departed souls greet Him with “Hola! ¿Qué pasa?” and address Him only as “Señor God.”

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In addition, God was reportedly taking additional measures such as signing up for flamenco lessons and insisting on taking a daily afternoon “siesta” out of the apparent belief that getting into an Iberian mindset would help Him learn the language.

“It was definitely a struggle to find enough Castilian leather to reupholster His throne, and I think all the angels are a little sick of gazpacho and sangria, but we’re glad the big guy is so excited about it,” said the archangel Azrael, confirming that God had made some definite progress with simple phrases, though He still struggled to roll his R’s. “God’s super passionate, which is what we love about Him, but when He goes off on one of these kicks, it can be a little exhausting—a while back, He was obsessed with Creole cooking and the entire firmament smelled like cayenne and garlic for months.”

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“If He insists on spending his time on projects like this, He could at least try to learn Mandarin, which is the language of the future,” Azrael added.