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God Releases New Peppermint-Flavored Chipmunks For The Holidays

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THE HEAVENS—Touting His latest majestic creation as the ideal recipe for wintertime fun, the Almighty God, He Who Reigneth Omnipotent in Heaven and Earth, released new peppermint-flavored chipmunks on Wednesday. “Just in time for the holidays, these festive yuletide chipmunks are the perfect treat for parents, kids, and anyone on your gift list who might enjoy a sweet red-and-white-striped critter,” said God, explaining how, for a limited time only, His children could find the peppermint chipmunks scurrying through parks and backyards, where they could be snatched up and, once their necks were snapped, used as stocking stuffers. “Whether you like them dunked in hot chocolate or roasted on an open fire, nothing will bring you holiday joy quite like these cute, furry little guys. But hurry, because come the New Year, peppermint-flavored chipmunks will be going back into hibernation.” The Lord God went on to add that with autumn drawing to a close, His extremely popular pumpkin-spice horses would be unavailable until next September.