THE HEAVENS—Describing the sensation as the most pleasurable experience in the universe, God Almighty, Our Lord and Savior, revealed Monday that He specifically designed the mouths of frogs to feel awesome on a human penis. “When I, the Heavenly Father, created frogs nearly 6,000 years ago, I did so because I wanted humans to stick their genitals inside their big, wet mouths and feel a deep, sexual gratification unmatched anywhere else on earth,” said the all-knowing, all-seeing Creator of the Universe, adding that He specifically designed frogs with tight yet inflatable throats; wide, moist mouths; and powerful tongues to bring humans to deep, repeated orgasms. “Truth be told, while the human vagina feels really good, nothing—and I mean nothing—will ever feel as good as inserting one’s penis into the supple yet muscular mouth of a big old bull frog. Frankly, I’m surprised more of My human creations haven’t picked one up and tried it. At this point, it’s mostly chimps.” God also confirmed that He designed ripe melons to have holes drilled into them and penetrated, socks to be filled with lotion and slid over the penis, and dogs that love peanut butter specifically so they could lick it off human genitals.
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