THE HEAVENS—Upon sending forth a chorus of angels to officially extend the offers of divine apprenticeship, the Lord God Almighty confirmed Wednesday that He had selected a new class of interns for the fall. “We’ve got a great crop of go-getters this year, and we can’t wait to see what they bring to the table of My heavenly banquet,” said God, the Eternal Kingdom’s ruler, heralding the “distinguished group of diverse young professionals” who will be expected to perform administrative tasks for the prophets and assist with His miracles on an as-needed basis. “It’s not all fetching manna for the seraphim or polishing the streets of gold. Interns are vital to the day-to-day operation of Heaven and receive valuable on-the-job training in an authentic everlasting paradise. A lot of people don’t realize our own blessed Gabriel worked his way up from summer intern to Archangel and Divine Messenger over the course of just a few millennia.” God added that while the internship itself was unpaid, participants may be eligible to receive course credit at one of the many unaccredited Bible colleges across the United States.
More from The Onion