THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.” “I realize he must have performed many good deeds in life in order to get here, but every time that thing opens its mouth I just want to bash my skull in,” said The Creator of All Things, lamenting how the angel’s high-pitched, nasally squawk seemed to carry across the entire expanse of paradise. “Also, the way he pronounces ‘seraphim’ like ‘serathin’ drives me up a fucking wall. I frankly don’t give a shit that he just arrived—there’s no way that fuck is sticking around for all of eternity.” At press time, God had banished the angel to Hell with special instructions for Satan to inflict most of the torment on his vocal cords.

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