THE HEAVENS—Straining to react to the surprising engagement announcement with a measure of enthusiasm, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to feign happiness Monday after Jesus Christ informed Him that He would be marrying an exotic dancer from a place off I-95. “I should have paid more attention when He kept making earthly appearances at some place off the Jersey turnpike called Centerfolds, but I never expected He’d suddenly be telling me He proposed to some stripper He barely knows,” said Our Lord, stressing that while He held nothing against the 22-year-old beauty school graduate and had always encouraged His son to reach out to those at the margins of society, there was “no way in hell” that He would be allowing Christ to get married to someone named Cinnamon. “All I could do was keep smiling and nodding while He went on about how artistic she was and how He already felt like a father to her two kids. I can tell you this much, though: There is no goddamn way I’m letting the son I sent to die for humanity’s sin throw away His life like this.” At press time, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Forth From The Darkness went on to note that He would be changing His will in the next few days just in case His son disobeyed His wishes.
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