THE HEAVENS—Saying that He would only be gone for an hour or two, the Divine Creator of the Universe, God, announced Monday that he was leaving humanity in the hands of babysitter Kayla Beckler while he checks out a new restaurant. “Kayla has my number in case anything happens, but I’m sure she’ll take good care of you while I’m out,” said He Who Commanded the Light to Shine From The Darkness, stressing that the 17-year-old high school junior knew where to find snacks if humanity got hungry and would tuck them in at bedtime should He decide to stay out longer than expected for a nightcap. “It’s so rare that I get to take a little break for myself, and I keep hearing great things about this little Peruvian place. All I’m asking is that you be good for Kayla. Don’t start any fires or kill anyone while I’m gone, and if you get lonely, just know that I’ll be back before you know it. Alright? Now give us kisses.” The Lord also expressed hope that Kayla would help him avoid a repeat of last time, when he left humanity with St. Peter while he attended a performance of Oklahoma! and returned to find the Bosnian Genocide in full swing.