THE HEAVENS—Saying the whole situation felt “super creepy,” God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Friday He was completely weirded out by Atlanta-area Christian Dale Evans, who has repeatedly professed his love for Him despite only attending church for a month. “He’s only gone to services for three or four Sundays now, and yet he’s already trying to talk to me every night and telling all his family and friends about how great I am—it’s kind of unsettling,” the Divine Creator told reporters, adding that Evans didn’t take any time to get to know Him before claiming that he wanted to be with God forever, a claim that the Lord Almighty said He found “pretty disturbing.” “I don’t mind a little admiration here and there, but this guy is really, really into me. The way this freak went from zero to 60 in the blink of an eye just makes my skin crawl. It’s kind of scary how obsessed he is with me.” At press time, God had reportedly decided to cut off all ties with Evans, acknowledging that He didn’t need another toxic relationship with a fucked-up Christian.
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