LOS ANGELES—Lauding the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for providing representation to people of all aptitudes, the Golden Globes were praised Wednesday for the diverse talent level of its nominees. “This year’s nominees are a historic celebration of a wide array of abilities,” said entertainment reporter Michael Hammond, claiming that never before have there been so many nominees of such varied competency, from those who are actually pretty decent to those who just fucking suck. “It’s heartening to see people of a broad range of capability showcased for such an honor. It just goes to show that whether you’re a highly capable actor or a total hack, you can receive accolades.” At press time, Hammond hoped these nominations signaled that Hollywood was finally becoming more accepting of mediocre garbage.