ATLANTA—Describing it as the perfect styling tool for beastly little things, the Goody hair accessories company announced Thursday a new line of hairbrushes designed specifically for governesses to rake harshly across the scalps of insolent little girls in their charge. “The new reinforced handles can withstand being drawn roughly through the knotted hair of a horrid, filthy creature hundreds of times, and the extra-coarse bristles will quickly dislodge any grass or other debris that has become entangled due to unladylike frolicking in the meadow beyond the wall,” said spokesperson Sally Waterson, adding that the sturdier brushes were ideal for roughly straightening unkempt hair while asking impertinent little girls why they couldn’t be more like Abigail. “And when you’re done, each brush comes with a set of special high-tensile hair ties that can be used to hold a painfully tight bun.” Waterson added that the brushes were also perfect for gesturing menacingly at contemptuous children while reminding them that the Master returns in June and will be teaching them a lesson they shan’t soon forget.

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