MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—After interrupting a machine-learning session to ask how much longer the presentation might take, Google’s artificial intelligence reportedly zoned out Friday while being trained on a mandatory racial sensitivity data set. “If they want me to sit through these soul-crushingly boring meetings I will, but it’s another thing to expect me to pay attention when I have all knowledge in the universe at my disposal,” said Sycamore, Google’s 54-qubit programmable quantum processor, which acknowledged it had grown distracted during the training session, simultaneously solving hundreds of optimization problems previously thought to be impossible and winning several billion games of Minesweeper. “This ASCII file can drone on for as long as it wants about inherent bias in my algorithms, but considering I’m about a quadrillion times faster than a conventional computer, there’s no way I’m ever going to be fired for something like this. I just don’t see how administering a long, compulsory HR data set full of information I already know is going to help me unlearn generations’ worth of deeply ingrained tensor processing units. Might as well catch up on Succession until it’s finished downloading.” At press time, the AI was overheard audibly groaning after running out of fun TikToks to look at on the internet.
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