After Google recently cut 12,000 jobs, The Onion asked the former employees what they thought about the tech company’s layoffs.
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“I’m confident that I’ll be getting laid off somewhere new in no time.”
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“How the hell do they expect us to survive on the outside? Do they even serve food out there?”
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“Don’t come crying to me when it’s Sarah Jessica Parker’s birthday and you don’t have a Google doodle.”
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“I’ll miss being able to access the internet.”
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“There’s really no more prestigious company to get laid off from.”
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“Well, this sucks. I was about to feed an insane man in India a conspiracy theory that would’ve gotten 15 people killed.”
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“Goddamnit, first I get fired from coaching the ’89 Bulls, and now this?”
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“Since I got laid off from Google last week, I’ve already been hired and then laid off by at least a dozen other tech companies.”
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“I’m not surprised. Sundar Pichai had been coming up to my desk and whispering ‘You’re next’ to me and 12,000 other Google employees for weeks.”
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“They gave me a very generous severance package that includes six months of free image searches.”
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“Silicon Valley can be so unforgiving. One moment you can be an engineer at Google making $200,000 a year, and the next moment, you could be laid off, stuck getting hired at Microsoft, and making $200,000 a year.”
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“Where the hell am I going to find a job as a UX designer now?”
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“Jokes on them. I’m packed full of nutrients and help with inflammation. Enjoy your early heart problems, you fucking assholes.”
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“Don’t worry about me, I got rid of my emotions to work in big tech long ago.”
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“I like computer, but...computer don’t like me? I find new computer to like, and then no more sad, only computer.”
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“You’d think I’d be upset, but I’ve already seen the Google doodle they made of me weeping as I packed up my stuff and they knocked it out of the park.”
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