ELK RAPIDS, MI—The insight abruptly springing to mind as the bird took flight, a local goose suddenly realized Wednesday that it doesn’t have to honk like an idiot the entire time it’s flapping its wings. “Wow, I guess I don’t need to squawk like a goddamn moron during every single takeoff and landing,” said the Canadian goose, all at once aware that it truly had no reason for screeching like a jackass every time it used its wings in the slightest, let alone merely waddled around on some grass. “I feel pretty stupid for all the years I’ve spent bellowing my lungs out like a real grade-A dope. I saw a duck glide quietly onto a pond the other day, and it made me realize what a fucking racket I must have been making all this time.” At press time, the goose was startled by the realization that it didn’t have to veer dangerously close to an oncoming jet engine every single time it took to the sky.

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