GOP Launches New Legislative Effort To Control Women’s Pancreases

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WASHINGTON—Buoyed by their success in restricting female reproductive rights, the GOP reportedly launched a new legislative effort Monday to control women’s pancreases. “Every day, women are using pancreatic enzymes to break down food without any consideration for the sanctity of these innocent carbohydrates, proteins, and fats,” said Jim Jordan (R-OH), announcing a new spate of bills that severely limit the types of procedures women can undergo on the digestive organ while also cutting funding for gastroenterologists and endocrinologists across the country. “We spend all this time worrying about women’s rights, but what about the mass slaughter of glycogens that’s taking place throughout our nation? Are the undigested not worthy of protection as well?” At press time, the Republican Party had unveiled a new law that would require women to watch a video of a pancreas creating glucose before they’d be allowed to undergo a pancreaticoduodenectomy.