WASHINGTON—Observing that scripture calls upon the faithful to care for the downtrodden and dispossessed, top GOP leaders argued Monday that giving President Donald Trump a second term would be a Christian act of charity for a poor, elderly man. “The First Epistle of John tells us God’s love abides in those who open their hearts to a brother in need—so surely, as followers of Christ, we cannot turn this impoverished man out of his office,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who explained that the reelection of Trump would fulfill a sacred duty by providing the penniless vagrant with housing, a hot meal every day, and a sense of purpose. “Just ask yourselves, what would the Lord do if He came upon an ailing, impoverished man such as our president? To stay upon the righteous path, we must give Donald Trump another four years in the White House. It’ll take at least that long for him to get back on his feet.” McConnell went on to emphasize that without America’s help, the poor man who serves as the nation’s chief executive could one day end up in jail.
More from The Onion