Whether you’ve been on the lam for weeks or just recently tunneled out of a high-security correctional facility, The Onion has compiled the most breathtaking and economical vacation spots for escaped prisoners.
Famed for its black sand beaches and the invention of surfing, Teahupo’o is the perfect place to grab a palapa as a retiree, kick back with an icy vanilla fruit punch, and laugh with your partner about how goddamn easy it all was.
Metropolitan Museum of Art
Located conveniently in Central Park, this world-class museum features an extensive collection of Middle Ages armor that you can easily hide inside while the police run ignorantly by.
Voted the #1 Most Affordable City For Escaped Felons by Travel & Leisure For Escaped Felons Magazine in 2021, knocking Oklahoma City out of the top slot it had occupied since 2014.
Anywhere You Take A Hijacked Plane
It can be amazing to travel spontaneously, but it can be hard to achieve on a budget. If you buy the cheapest ticket and then hijack the plane, you don’t have to decide where you want to go until you’re in the air.
Gates Of The Arctic National Park And Preserve
Alaska’s furthest-north national park offers over 8 million acres of lush wilderness and a dazzlingly cold climate that will be way too much fucking work for anyone to find you.
Sure, it’s stereotypical, but you can’t deny you’ll have a blast getting wet and wild down there. Just one rule: no cell phones.
You can find great group rates if you escape with some buddies.
Behind The Shell Station In Jefferson, OH
You can stay crouched there for up to 12 hours completely free of charge
Accommodations include a public restroom to bathe in the sink and all the law textbooks you could ever need to argue against the death penalty should you get caught.
Most people speak English here, so you won’t arouse any suspicion by not knowing the land’s native tongue while dancing to calypso music on one of Grenada’s many gorgeous beaches.
Your Wife’s Grave
How could you let her die like that? If only she could see you now.
Upstate New York
Wire $800 to routing number 9501242 after 3 p.m. tomorrow. Wait at the intersection of 82nd street and 1st. Our cousin Donnie will pick you up in a green Buick. He’ll drive you to a dock, and from there, you’ll take a ferry. Finally, you’ll arrive at our safe house upstate, where you can lie low until you figure out your next moves.
Farm Stay in the Scottish Highlands
The old couple who runs this place are basically blind and deaf, so there’s no way they’ll be able to identify you. And sure, you might have to tend to the goats and do a bit of farm work, but that’s what makes it so cheap to stay.
Kind of small, but you could probably squeeze in there.
The Johnston’s Backyard
With plenty of room under the bushes or in the playhouse, the Johnston’s backyard boasts a well-manicured lawn, an all-you-can eat vegetable garden, and plenty of new victims.
Econo Lodge, Lansing, KS
Whether you want to explore the local university or kick back and enjoy your free in-room cable, this spot has it all—plus it’s just a 6.2-mile walk from the U.S. Federal Penitentiary Leavenworth!
Not only is the currency conversion rate $1 U.S. dollar to 19.77 Mexican peso, but Mexico City boasts some dirt cheap plastic surgery for concealing your identity.
This Shipping Container
The guys in it set up a PlayStation 2, and they have enough beef jerky to last for weeks. It’ll be smooth sailing until you get to…actually, come to think of it, we don’t know where it’s headed, but still, it should be a fun time.
Glacier National Park
Take in breathtaking views of northern Montana as you feast on complimentary freeze-dried meals pillaged from campers you mauled in a bear costume.
Experience none of the luxuries of the modern age as you throw on a bonnet and petticoat and disappear into plain sight.
Starting a career as a critically acclaimed country musician to cover your recent imprisonment for stabbing several homeless men to death and devouring their flesh might sound insane, but, hey, it worked for Kris Kristofferson.
Look, it’s not ideal, but what are you going to do? Spend your whole life on the run? What kind of existence is that? Constantly looking over your shoulder. Never a moment of peace. Wouldn’t slowing down and just accepting your fate be the ultimate vacation in a way?