AUSTIN—Calling upon licensed professionals and members of the public to report the parents of transgender youth, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned this week that children of accepting parents often grow up to become accepting themselves. “When kids start experiencing acceptance at such a young age, this behavior becomes normalized, turning them into adults who are respectful to everyone they meet,” said the second-term Republican, who argued that accepting parents recklessly expose children to the radical agenda of open-mindedness despite nature being in opposition to the very idea of tolerance.“These unfortunate kids could grow up to be confident in themselves and amenable to people who are different from them unless we do something. Not only is this wrong, but it is morally reprehensible and disgusting. That’s why I’m empowering authorities to arrest any parent seen engaging in such nurturing and encouraging actions, which can only be described as child abuse. We need to remove these children from their incredibly supportive households.” At press time, reports confirmed Abbott had been inexplicably crushed under yet another oak tree.