Grandmother Really Starting To Get The Hang Of Dying

Illustration for article titled Grandmother Really Starting To Get The Hang Of Dying

HAVERHILL, MA—Expressing happiness that their matriarch had finally “gotten into the swing of things,” the family of grandmother Ellen Haan confirmed Monday that the 87-year-old had really started to get the hang of dying in recent weeks. “Nana’s just recently come to grips with this whole diminishing-into-nothingness deal, and one of the things we all love about her is that once she decides to do something, by God she’s going to do it right,” said Haan’s grandson Mark Conroy, noting that although the octogenarian had initially struggled with the finer points of departing forever from this earth, she seems to have really hit her stride since Christmas. “Her big turning point came just after Thanksgiving when she began suffering cascading organ failures. Since then, there’s been no stopping her. I have to admit she makes shuffling off this mortal coil look easy. The whole family is very impressed.” Haan is expected to perfect her skills at dying sometime early next week.