Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

Illustration for article titled Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his backyard. Watching with apparent glee as the dismembered insect struggled to right itself, the individual who will go on to be the court’s crucial swing vote under five consecutive administrations is said to have laughed out loud and implored the helpless creature to jump. Bevins, under whom the court will render landmark rulings on immigration, education policy, genetic modification, and abortion, then reportedly twisted off both of the grasshopper’s wings and batted it around with a stick. At press time, the child whose future decisions will touch the lives of every American citizen for generations went inside to find a lighter.