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Great News, ‘God Of War’ Fans! A New Expansion Pack Will Allow Kratos To Teach Atreus How To Wash The Area Beneath His Foreskin

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Good things come to those who wait, and that’s certainly the case with an announcement out today from Santa Monica Studio. That’s right, God Of War fans! Nearly three years after the original PlayStation 4 release, a new expansion will allow Kratos to teach his son Atreus how to wash the area beneath his foreskin.

It’s been quite a journey to get here, but it looks like Midgard’s favorite demigod is finally going to educate his son about the importance of genital hygiene! Woo-hoo!

“What the Streams Of Sparta expansion really focuses on is the same heartfelt father-son relationship that defined the original game, albeit filtered through the lense of proper male cleanliness,” said creative director Cory Barlog, explaining that the game makes full use of the cross-gen hardware potential to render both character’s foreskins and accumulated dead skin cells in stunning 4K.

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Our hands-on with the game picked up during a hunting trip mere moments after the original God Of War, in which the iconic hero beckons his young scion over to a stream and explains that the lack of circumcision in their “Greek birthing tradition” meant it was particularly important to periodically clean away bacteria and smegma that have gathered below the flap of skin. From there, we’re treated to a minigame in which the fully nude Kratos demonstrates how to gently peel back one’s foreskin and use X to wipe down the affected area with a wet rag.

What’s even more exciting is that Kratos voice actor Christopher Judge returns for a tour de force performance as he encourages Atreus with lines like, “Come on, boy, keep scrubbing!” and, “You must become one with nature.” Pretty cool stuff! And even cooler is that Kratos repeatedly emphasizes to his wide-eyed son that this sort of daily cleanliness routine is “nothing to be ashamed about,” patting him on the shoulder as he notes that it is a time-honored ritual for men of their lineage to prevent offensive smells and infection.

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Thankfully, we only have a matter of weeks before Streams of Sparta launches for $19.99 on August 14th. But we’re already clamoring to confirm the rumor that a branching storyline will allow Kratos to remove Atreus’s foreskin with the Leviathan Axe if his son repeatedly fails to maintain proper hygiene.

Until then, we’ll be waiting with bated breath!