OMAHA, NE—Demonstrating intellectual ability far surpassing any other member of its species, H4B3447, the greatest genius in cow history, has been killed, butchered, packaged, and eaten, agricultural sources confirmed Monday. According to those familiar with the animal, H4B3447 demonstrated problem-solving and critical thinking skills significantly outpacing the bovine norm, including evidence of superior math aptitude and even rudimentary use of tools, before being stunned with a heavy-duty electrical shock and cranially dispatched with a captive bolt gun in an Omaha-area meatpacking plant. Reports confirmed that the cow also exhibited high emotional intelligence, displaying a clear and measurable sense of existential concern for both its own welfare and that of its fellow cows, dreading and mourning the fact that it would cease to be a sentient entity long before it was butchered into steaks, burger patties, mid-grade hides, and budget dog food. The USDA, which oversees meat processing, did not return calls inquiring as to whether or not the genius cow was more delicious than its mundane counterparts.
More from The Onion