MINNEAPOLIS—Boasting that its latest product would completely eradicate loneliness, Green Giant unveiled a new lettuce Thursday that customers could put a wig on and pretend was their wife. “With Green Giant’s new iceberg lettuce, you don’t just have the makings of a delicious salad—you also have a companion, a lover, and a best friend,” said CEO Junaid Ali, adding that purchasers could put a wig on the head of lettuce, draw a smiling mouth on it with some lipstick, and then begin talking, kissing, and dancing the night away. “Whether you’re single, divorced, or even widowed, our lettuce is the perfect leaf vegetable for pretending you are a functional, married, happy man who has finally found the love of his life. When you buy Green Giant, you’ll know she’s the one. Plus, it tastes great!” At press time, Green Giant had reportedly recalled the produce after several men complained that their abusive lettuce was constantly calling them fat, lazy pieces of shit.
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