Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

DALLAS—In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats.

Officials from the bus carrier confirmed that all 1,200 active vehicles in the Greyhound fleet have been outfitted with a limited number of More Tolerable seats featuring considerably fewer sweat stains and troubling damp patches on the upholstery, as well as increased legroom due to a reduction in garbage piled on the floor.

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“With our new More Tolerable premium option, customers will enjoy a level of comfort and luxury never before experienced on our bus lines,” said Greyhound CEO David Leach, noting that the first four rows of each coach will now boast such amenities as seat backs with just a few cigarette burns and plastic armrests only partially coated with an unidentifiable brown tacky substance. “Exclusive perks include window casings virtually clear of crusted bodily fluids and footwells with substantially fewer crumpled-up Wendy’s bags.”

“Now, our riders can reach their preferred destination while experiencing the very best Greyhound has to offer,” Leach added.

According to company representatives, for an extra $12.50, customers will be able to enjoy wall panels with a maximum of three hardened patches of chewing gum containing several matted strands of human hair. The upgrade also reportedly guarantees that the netted pocket on the seat in front of a rider will not be entirely filled with used tissues and yellowed racing forms.

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In addition, sources confirmed, the More Tolerable seating on each of Greyhound’s 122 regular and express routes will be treated with powerful industrial fragrances twice a year to mask the accumulated smells of thousands of cross-country passengers and the various food items and dipping sauces they have ground into the seat fabric.

“With the upgrade, a customer on an overnight trip from Fort Wayne to Little Rock can just kick back and relax to the sounds of the road and, at most, one Gatorade bottle full of expectorated chewing tobacco rolling up and down the aisle,” said Leach, boasting that premium seats recline easily and only on occasion malfunction in such a way that a rider’s chair back falls into the lap of whomever is sitting behind them. “Meanwhile, the brightness level on the shared TV screen will now be turned down just enough for passengers to make out most of the scenes from the movie Cop And A Half, assuming the monitor hasn’t shorted out.”

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Leach also stated that premium seat occupants will be the carrier’s first riders allowed to enjoy small breaths of fresh air, having access to windows that can be opened up to half an inch. At the same time, he said, the overhead air conditioner vent that cannot be closed will now be freely adjustable between high and medium-high settings.

And in what is being touted as one of the most attractive features of the upgrade, those in More Tolerable rows will reportedly be granted early boarding privileges, allowing them to enter the bus without having to maneuver around any mentally ill, intoxicated, or morbidly obese passengers blocking the narrow aisle.

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“When I heard the special seats would have only a few rusty upholstery tacks poking out from the seat cushion into the back of my legs, I reserved one immediately,” said George Maynard, a Bismarck, ND resident planning a trip to Chicago. “Sure, it’s a little more expensive, but I couldn’t say no to a window seat where the curtain has just one or two streaks of what is either human blood or strawberry-kiwi MD 20/20.”

“It’ll be nice to travel in comfort,” he added. “I can’t wait to treat myself to the 18-hour trip.”

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