WASHINGTON—Explaining that the 800 mg tablets he’s been crushing up and snorting were no longer doing the trick, President Donald Trump was reportedly driven to buy black-tar hydroxychloroquine off a drug dealer in a D.C. metro station Tuesday due to his growing tolerance for the prescription medicine. “Come on, Randy, man, don’t give me those baby hydroxies—I need that pure shit,” said the pallid, twitching commander in chief as he frantically scratched at his rash-covered body, begging the peddler to sell him some of the sticky, highly concentrated form of the anti-malarial medication in a dark corner of D.C.’s McPherson Square Metro Station. “I went through 30 or 40 pills this morning and I’m not even having any heart palpitations or dizziness. The stuff is like baby aspirin. Come on, man, I’ve maxed out all my prescriptions and I’m fuckin’ jonesin’ for a big hit of that sweet Roxy. I can handle it, I swear.” At press time, the drug dealer had knocked President Trump unconscious and thrown his body on the train tracks.
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