THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven.
One of the Eternal Kingdom’s night watchmen confirmed he spotted the angels during a 3 a.m. searchlight sweep of heaven’s perimeter and raised the alarm, thwarting the divine beings’ effort to break through an electrified portion of the Pearly Gates, which are infrequently patrolled at that hour.
“Early this morning, 10 angels—seven cherubim and three seraphim—were fired upon by guards,” said heaven spokeswoman Claudia Thompson, observing that the escapees had ignored several warnings issued in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek. “Several of the angels were struck in the chest and wings. Four later succumbed to their injuries after being transferred to an infirmary located in the intake/release complex within the ninth sphere of heaven.”
“The angels know the rules,” she continued. “While the use of deadly force is always a last resort, our guards are trained to use any means necessary to prevent escape from everlasting paradise.”
While stressing that the incident was still under investigation, Thompson said it appeared the angels had somehow obtained the Keys to the Kingdom, allowing them to unlock the doors of the Eternal House Not Built by Human Hands. Surveillance footage suggests the spiritual beings donned hoods to dim the gleam of their halos, avoided motion detectors by following a carefully plotted path down the gold-paved streets, and then made a break for it across heaven’s green pastures and still waters.
Heaven staff stated that at this time they are not ruling out the possibility that the angels might have had assistance from powerful archangels on the outside.
“The escape attempt also makes them ineligible for our work-release program, through which they might one day have qualified for a job as a messenger, guardian, or avenging angel.”
“As per standard protocol, the surviving escapees will be locked down in purgatory for two to three millennia before they are allowed to rejoin the general angelic population,” Thompson said. “The escape attempt also makes them ineligible for our work-release program, through which they might one day have qualified for a job as a messenger, guardian, or avenging angel.”
A statement provided to the press identified the four dead angels as Zophiel, Jehoel, Shamsiel, and Metatron.
According to celestial sources, this is heaven’s first breakout attempt since 1996, when two angels brutally garroted a guard with a harp string and managed to descend through the firmament into earthly realms. They were apprehended four weeks later when they were found hiding in the dome of St. Peter’s Basilica.
Records also indicate that in the 1940s, a single determined angel devoted years to a clandestine effort to tunnel beneath a wall of the heavenly city, but was ultimately unable to penetrate heaven’s 12 reinforced foundations of jasper, sapphire, agate, emerald, onyx, ruby, chrysolite, beryl, topaz, turquoise, jacinth, and amethyst described in the Book of Revelation.
Reached for comment, God, who oversees What No Eye Has Seen, Nor Ear Heard, Nor the Heart of Man Conceived, praised the guards’ forceful reaction, remarking that they had done their jobs by neutralizing the escaping angels and securing the afterlife.
“I run a tight kingdom, and when rules are broken there will be consequences,” said the Almighty, telling reporters that heaven would be reevaluating security procedures and reinforcing its three gates on the east, three on the north, three on the south, and three on the west. “The angels don’t get to choose how long they stay in heaven; I do.”
“This is a serious business,” He added. “The last thing we want is a repeat of what happened with Saint Thomas Aquinas, who broke loose and has been on the lam for the past 700 years.”