VANCOUVER—Announcing its publication in response to overwhelming demand, the editors of the Guinness World Records on Wednesday released an abridged book of freaks for readers who just want the good stuff. “For this new, shortened version of our classic record book, we cut out all the bullshit athletic and attendance records and went straight for the weirdos with super-long fingernails and hair covering their entire body,” said series editor Craig Glenday of Guinness World Records: Nothing But Freaks Edition, adding that the book also eliminated the vast majority of its text in order to give readers the full-page photos of giants, bizarre skin diseases, and sisters joined at the stomach. “Forget that tallest mountain bullshit—we put that mutant with the largest-ever tumor right there on page one. Why wait for the human skeleton, the guy with way too many fingers, and that nutjob with literally a thousand facial piercings? We’re not wasting your time with a woman that can speak 47 languages unless she’s also 18 fucking inches tall.” Glenday went on to say that the book also included several pictures of the Elephant Man even though he wasn’t technically a world record holder because, holy shit, look at him.
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