Gun Owner Spends Another Disappointing Night Without Home Invasion

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Letting out a deep sigh and saying he guessed he’d just have to wait a little bit longer before he got to shoot someone, local gun owner Chris Quaid told reporters Monday morning that he’d spent another disappointing night without a home invasion. “Aw, man, I can’t believe nobody tried to forcibly enter my house last night, leaving me with no choice but to defend my ground with lethal force,” said Quaid, who described how discouraging it was to sit up for hours with an assault rifle pointed at the door and not get to use it even once. “Not one person! What’s the point of having this gun unless someone’s going to break a window, force open the garage, or pick the lock on my front door so that—boom, boom, boom, boom, boom—I can hit them with everything I’ve got before they even know what’s happened? Clearly I need to try a different approach. Maybe I can start picking off anyone who uses my driveway to turn their car around?” Quaid added that staying up all night hadn’t been a total loss, as he did get to shoot and kill his wife when she startled him first thing this morning.