With an uptick in Americans getting shot simply for going to the wrong driveway, house, or car, The Onion asked gun owners to comment on “stand your ground” laws, and this is what they said.
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“I can’t just stand there while some maniac asks me for directions.”
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“What’s the point of having all these cool weapons if there’s no shaky pretense for us to use them?”
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“If I can’t discharge my weapon, what else can I do if I encounter another human being?”
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“Is there a more convenient way to claim self-defense after the fact?”
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“The reality is you just never know whether that Girl Scout is coming to your house to sell cookies or to rape and kill your entire family.”
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“Stand your ground is in the Second Amendment, right there in the AR-15 clause after the provision on night vision googles.”
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“I have the right to defend myself if I’ve been threatened or menaced, or if I’ve been complimented or given money that I didn’t ask for. So don’t mess with me.”
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“It’s the only thing stopping teens from accidentally ringing my doorbell with impunity.”
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“A man has a right to defend himself against his own paranoid delusions.”
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“How will I know whether my guns work on humans if I never get to try?”
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“If feeling threatened isn’t an excuse for killing someone, why bother making people feel threatened all the time?”
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“I live in a dangerous neighborhood with a lot of white-collar crime.”
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“Gotta protect yourself. You never know who’s a trigger-happy psycho.”
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“As long as you eat what you shoot I don’t see a problem.”
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“What did you think we wanted the guns for? I’m not out here hunting bucks in the middle of St. Louis, come on.”
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“This country was built on shooting strangers from overseas or who were already here.”
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“They can get you out of some tough jams.”
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“Ask me again, I dare you.”
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