MARIETTA, GA—Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version of the 1988 Michael Jackson song “Man In The Mirror,” better get his goddamn act together sometime fucking soon.
Stating that his piss-poor excuse for a first verse included numerous mumbled, mistimed, or otherwise botched lyrics, onlookers confirmed that Kagan has to get his ass into gear right quick because no one wants to watch him dick around for five minutes.
“This guy better step it the fuck up,” said fellow karaoke participant Keith Yoder, 43, who confirmed that, thus far, Kagan’s halting, off-key rendition of the Michael Jackson smash hit is wasting everyone’s time. “It’s not over yet, but if you’re gonna shit the bed like he’s doing right now, you gotta come hard the rest of the way.”
“When it gets to that key change later, he better make me think those first 30 seconds were just some sort of bad dream,” Yoder added.
Noting that he has about 10 to 15 seconds, tops, to right this ship, sources told reporters that Kagan was more than likely in over his head when he selected the popular ballad. Patrons said he probably chose the song because he vaguely remembered liking it, knew the rhythm of the first four lines and the chorus, but, in what’s becoming more crystal fucking clear by the second, doesn’t know jack about the song’s many intricacies, especially the beat for the lines “As I, turn up the collar on my/Favorite winter coat.”
Onlookers had little remorse, however, saying that Kagan has made his bed and now he’s going to have to lie in it. In addition, sources wondered out loud what the hell Kagan was smiling at after his latest fuckup because no one thinks his weak-ass handle on the song is anything close to funny.
“If you choose ‘Man In The Mirror,’ you best bring your A-game,” said onlooker Chris Johnson, 36, who speculated that Kagan probably doesn’t even know how long the song is. “And I’ll tell you what, I really hope this isn’t his A-game. Because what he’s doing now sure as shit ain’t cutting it.”
According to sources, Kagan raised red flags well before the song even began by not approaching the stage until the emcee called his name for the fifth time. When he finally started the song, reports indicated that Kagan blew it right from the get-go, first holding the microphone much too far away from his mouth before wildly overcorrecting and holding the microphone so close that his next words unleashed an abrasive burst of feedback and distortion.
Eyewitnesses confirmed that Kagan has been staring directly at the lyrics prompter this entire fucking time.
“Maybe he gets it back in the chorus, but that’s a soft maybe,” said Mark Vernon, who runs the karaoke night at Charley’s, and added that Kagan has already shouted “woo!” at multiple points in the song where there aren’t any woos. “Should have known when it took him 45 minutes to pick a song that the guy didn’t know what the hell he was doing.”
“Christ, you’ve got to be shitting me,” he added as Kagan missed the first half of a line while attempting to get the audience to clap along.
Kagan, for whom sources confirmed it’s “now or fucking never,” reportedly needs to nail the next line about the kids in the street and how they don’t have enough to eat, along with every single line after that if he wants even a slight chance of fixing the mess he’s made.
“The nah-nah-nahs are going to be a train wreck,” audience member Amy Humes said. “An absolute train wreck.”
At press time, Kagan’s stupid-as-shit smiling friends were the only ones enjoying this abortion.