NASHVILLE, TN—Trying to shrink down lower into his chair, Riverbend Maximum Security Institution prisoner Bertram Ray told reporters Monday he is embarrassed that everyone can currently see his whole skeleton while he is being electrocuted. “It’s one thing to go out with 1,750 volts of electricity pumped through your body, but it’s kind of humiliating that everybody can gawk at my lit-up bones,” said Ray, adding that all the onlookers staring at his illuminated pelvis with horrified expressions were making him feel extra self-conscious. “Oh God, even my mom can see my sacrum right through my flesh—not that it’s anything she hasn’t seen when I was a kid and needed X-rays after that bike accident, but come on, people! The polite thing to do would be to turn away or at least avert your eyes toward one of my fibulae.” At press time, Ray was reportedly mortified to realize the electrocution was causing his hair to burn off and creating an unsightly bald spot.
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