FREE CITY OF LUBECK, HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE—Apologizing for not thinking five centuries ahead when looking for a job, local townsfolk Eldwin Walfridsson told sources Thursday he did not intend on taking work as a barrel maker in 1471 to become his family’s entire identity for the next 25 generations. “I just needed a few pfennigs in my pocket for bread and ale, I didn’t expect barrels to end up on or family crest or anything,” said Walfridsson, who claimed it was better than shoveling horse shit off the street or dying on a whaling ship. “It wasn’t too bad, so I figured I get my son involved, too. Next thing I know my great-grandchildren are changing their name to Cooper, and that’s history. There is more to my identity than my job. I like to sleep under the tree by the canal, but it’s not like descendants of mine took the name ‘Tree-sleeper’ or anything. I’m not even that good at it.” At press time, Walfridsson had been crushed to death by a pile of barrels filled with salt cod.