Habits Of Silicon Valley’s Most Powerful Fortune 500 CEOs

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Waking Up Early

Setting an early morning alarm gives CEOs plenty of time to laugh while thinking about how they could quit their jobs right now and still be financially set for multiple lifetimes.

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Asking Questions

Top tech innovators ask not just questions, but the right questions, such as, “Who’s going to stop me?”

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Taking Time Off

It’s good for tech CEOs to make sure they take a break from fucking over the world at large to focus on fucking over their family and friends.

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Reading Books

Any worthwhile Silicon Valley CEO will regularly read books in order to contemplate new ways to further destroy the publishing industry.

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Hand Workouts

The average tech mogul spends two hours a day doing 30 reps of hand pushups, hand sit-ups, and hand cardio to ensure their handshakes are at optimal firmness for maximum networking potential.

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Earning 287 Times More Than Their Workers

Now this is something we should all take up! Earning an average $14.5 million compared to the $39,888 of their workers perks CEOs up every morning and helps them get through some of their more boring days.

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Verbally Abusing Their Employees Until They Cry

Here’s a tip from the Fortune 500 world that’s key for anyone looking to boost their own ego! Cornering an employee and screaming at them that they’re shit and would be nothing without you again and again until they break down in tears is key to getting the performance needed to fuel the rise of any successful startup. Just ask Peter Thiel!

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5,000,000-Mile Morning Bike Ride

Admittedly, we’re still waiting for the results on this habit. Marissa Mayer took up this habit on her first day as CEO of Yahoo! and is expected to return to her position in early 2031.

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Systematically Undermining Democracy

Everyone from Mark Zuckerberg to Jack Dorsey have gotten in on this fad habit of providing tools that weaponize human rage into an inexorable force eroding trust in public institutions and causing the public to descend into tribalism.

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Smash Hand With Hammer To See If They Can Feel

The quest for success is never ending, but taking little moments like this can help leaders remember what they are chasing.

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Give Back

Business leaders like Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos are known for their charitable giving, and you can emulate them by setting aside .01% of your annual earnings and receiving endless praise.

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Buy The Staff Of A Beloved Publication, Gut It, And Then Shut Down The Project A Year Later

You’d be surprised how good this feels.

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Piss Off A Set Of Gigantic Twins

Almost all tech CEOs are motivated by the experience of having two enormous and visibly angry twins rowing at full speed behind you.

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Murder A Homeless Man On Your Way To Work

Nothing screams success like running over a homeless man with your car and dragging them 50 feet on the freeway.

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Exercise Regularly

It’s a lot easier to get what you want out of people when you can crush their skulls in your palm like a soft peach.

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Roast Beef Sandwich On Rye With Mayo And Coleslaw

Every single CEO in Silicon Valley eats this for lunch every day.

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Testifying Before Congress

Regular testimony helps keep the mind sharp and the regulators off your back.

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Pens

Pretty much everyone in Silicon Valley uses a pen now and then, so it stands to reason that using one will make you rich and successful too.

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Me Time

CEOs take at least 20 hours out of their day to focus on themselves and their own needs

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Watching Movies And Screwing Around All The Time

Hey, look, it’s just like you! That’s what you were looking for in this slideshow, right? Some proof that you were on the right track and you will soon be just as successful by following your routine of sleeping in, jerking off, and hanging around your bullshit friends? Sure! You’ll absolutely become an influential billionaire. Just keep at it, champ.