DALLAS—Claiming he would hate to see a carton of unspoiled milk and an entire loaf of bread go to waste, hazardous materials removal worker Jonathan Parker reportedly saw no reason Friday to throw away perfectly good food while disinfecting the apartment of an Ebola-stricken patient. “This pork roast can’t be more than a couple days old,” said Parker, lamenting the idea that a large hunk of parmesan cheese, fine-looking grapes, and a full head of cauliflower would be destroyed and deposited in a remote biohazard disposal site. “These eggs definitely look like they’re still pretty fresh. And that container of yogurt doesn’t expire for three more weeks—and it’s blueberry, too.” At press time, Parker was reportedly spotted carefully placing several grocery bags full of snacks and fresh produce in the trunk of his car.
More from The Onion