STANFORD, CA—Based on a compilation of data revealing their jealousy and negativity loud and clear, relationship experts confirmed Tuesday that “He’s not right for you,” because they must not want to see you happy. “Our extensive study shows that you might be better off with someone else,” read a summary of the researchers’ findings, which shed light on their insistence on projecting their own relationship issues and personal insecurities onto your own perfectly healthy love life in a pathetic attempt to introduce some excitement into their own dull existences, despite the fact that they barely even know him. “Listen, he’s not a bad guy—we just feel like you two aren’t necessarily compatible in the long run, and no one wants to see you get hurt.” At press time, the experts had decided to go ahead and fully stab you in the back with their suggestion that it might be “a good idea for you to just be single for a while.”

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