Millions of Americans regularly suffer from headaches. Here are some tips to help prevent them and ease the pain:
- Though disputed by conventional Western medicine, the ancient Chinese art of kneecap-smashing may distract you from your headache.
- The surest method of headache prevention is to develop a working time machine, go back to 1988, and marry a different woman who doesn't nag your ass into the ground about where you were all night and who was there with you and were you drinking.
- No matter how bad your head hurts, do not under any circumstances attempt to remove it.
- Many popular herbal headache remedies exist, including valerian and kava kava, but be advised that they don't do shit.
- Headaches can get so bad that, in some cases, doctors prescribe morphine or methadone. A better way to look at this is that headaches can get so good that doctors prescribe morphine or methadone.
- If you have a severe headache, you likely have five or six throbbing red lightning bolts behind your sinuses. Neutralize them with a soothing, bluish, glowing orb.
- A key to headache prevention is avoiding getting Starship's "We Built This City" stuck in your head.
- If you suffer from recurring headache pain, you probably have a tumor or something. Man, am I glad I'm not you.
- If you suspect that your headache is a migraine, ask yourself: Does the prospect of having a double-barreled shotgun inserted in your anus and discharged fill you with thoughts of blessed, eternal relief? If so, it's probably a migraine.
- Headache sufferers, be advised that episodes can easily be triggered by stress, improper diet, or people constantly chiming in with their useless fucking headache advice.