Health Officials Struggling To Secure Enough Dry Ice, Laser Lights For Special Effects-Heavy Vaccine Rollout

Illustration for article titled Health Officials Struggling To Secure Enough Dry Ice, Laser Lights For Special Effects-Heavy Vaccine Rollout

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to have patience while scientists put the finishing touches on the final kickass product, health officials confirmed Wednesday that they were struggling to secure enough dry ice and laser lights for the coronavirus vaccine’s special effects-heavy rollout. “The vaccine rollout relies on a complex supply chain of fog machines and LED projectors, without which we can’t properly melt people’s minds,” said U.S. Health and Human Services spokesperson Harvey Panozza, adding that the department was working in tandem with the World Health Organization to supply the millions of confetti cannons, strobe lights, and fireworks the vaccine’s show-stopping debut would require. “It’s imperative that this rollout rocks the fuck out of every American. Having the laser lights pulse in sync with the music represents the culmination of thousands of hours of hard work that went into developing an inoculation against Covid-19. A majority of people will get a vaccine presentation that features flashy pyrotechnics and a legendary, axe-shredding guitar solo backed up by a full symphony orchestra, which we’re confident will be trippy as hell.” At press time, health experts warned that rural areas without access to professional special effects designers would need to make do with a few lava lamps and a boombox playing Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side Of The Moon.

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