WASHINGTON—In a concerning development regarding the potentially deadly epidemic, health officials warned Monday that it was impossible to tell if American cruise ship passengers had contracted coronavirus or if they were just like that. “After extensive observation, we are still unable to determine if the passengers aboard our nation’s cruise ships have coronavirus or if the potential symptoms are simply a result of their lifestyle choices,” said Health and Human Services secretary Alex Azar, telling reporters that runny noses and headaches experienced by passengers may be due to decades of poor eating habits and lack of exposure to the outdoors. “We’ve received dozens of reports of Americans struggling to breathe and generally feeling unwell, and while this definitely could be a result of the coronavirus, it could just as likely be due to the prevalence of drink specials and all-you-can-eat seafood buffets aboard ship. At one point, we were fairly certain that we had found an outbreak, but it turned out the passengers’ profuse sweating and pallid skin were a result of them having to walk up a flight of stairs when the ship’s elevator was out of order.” Azar added that the HHS had determined that the bloated skin, dehydration, and prolonged vomiting experienced by American cruise ship passengers had nothing whatsoever to do with the coronavirus.
More from The Onion