Illustration for article titled Heavily Armed Self-Help Gurus Demand America Reopens Their Hearts

WASHINGTON—Following months of lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic, an angry mob of heavily armed self-help gurus reportedly demanded Tuesday that Americans reopen their hearts. “It’s time for U.S. citizens to find a way to look inwards and embrace their own divinity or face the inevitable consequences,” said an AK-47 toting Brené Brown, wielding her weapon and threatening untold violence if the nation didn’t immediately allow itself to be vulnerable in an effort to accomplish its goals. “Our founding fathers created this country as a haven away from that little voice in your head that says ‘No.’ Frankly, it’s unconstitutional to deny others a glimpse of your true inner self. We will uphold the American ideal of love and acceptance with blood if necessary.” At press time, Marianne Williamson slammed a magazine into her FN SCAR and vowed to unleash hell on Earth until the nation welcomed the healing power of crystals. 

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