Highlights of E3 2021

After lengthy deliberation, a conclave of elder gamers made the decision to end a three-decade dry spell and ring the bell formally signaling a chock-full lineup of great-looking video games.

For his unflinching leadership through the Covid-19 pandemic, Dr. Fauci shall henceforth be known as xX_Pathogennn_Xx, and furthermore be granted the full respect and privileges of a gamer who has platinumed Bloodborne. Nice!

Due to a technical error all of Ubisoft’s panel was pre-empted by a looping Tostitos ad, but gamers enjoyed learning about the American corn chip product and how it can be enjoyed by all members of the family.

Square Enix politely reminded fans that this game has been available to purchase since August 2020.

At one point, a flood of ashen crows erupted up from below the cursed land upon which Sony’s event was held. A booming infernal voice then thundered from the blighted chasm, “Hell holds only molten shackles for every gamer!” before every executive and presenter was dragged into the blazing abyss. Long story short, gamers, we’re excited for Hades 2!

Fans have waited a long time for this, so Todd Howard savored every moment on stage listing the 37 different cheese varieties ranging from clothbound cheddar to Brie de Meaux that will be available for purchase in the taverns, shops, and trading posts of the next Elder Scrolls installment.

In his typically nefarious fashion, Ganondorf organized an expensive and unnecessary show of strength by marching his army through the streets during a despicable E3 livestream.

Fans at the Nintendo Direct presentation were shocked when industry legend Shigeru Miyamoto announced that video games were “stupid” and “lame” before revealing he was now only interested in “fast race cars like a Lamborghini Huracán or Porsche 956.”