A Promised Land, Barack Obama’s new memoir about his presidency, was released Tuesday. The Onion looks at the biggest highlights and revelations from the book.
Eloquent, inspiring table of contents.
Heartfelt introduction from Raytheon CEO Thomas A. Kennedy.
Phrase “on the other hand” appears multiple times on every page.
Entire chapter dedicated to memory of how incredible it felt to smoke nine cigarettes a day.
Sometimes regrets having turned America into an atheistic communist wasteland.
Bombshell revelation that despite the public signing of an executive order on his first day as president, the prison at Guantanamo Bay never actually closed.
Detailed schematics of Nobel Peace Prize and instructions for making a to-scale model at home.
Admits he still holds private presidential debates with Mitt Romney from time to time.
Kind of regretted having to kill bin Laden after developing some real affection for the guy.
Remains optimistic about nation’s ability to consume 30 more years of content from him and Michelle.