Pope Francis began the third day of his U.S. trip by delivering an address to the joint houses of Congress, advising them on a few key issues such as climate change, immigration, and division of wealth. Here are the highlights of the pontiff’s speech:

  • Reluctantly told Congress that God loves them
  • Offered to send two battalions of angels to aid in the fight against ISIS
  • Overcame stage fright of delivering potentially controversial remarks by imagining every congressman in audience crucified
  • Unexpected detour into systemic issues in nation’s fish and wildlife management
  • After each standing ovation held hand to ear and yelled, “I can’t hear you, D.C.!” to even louder applause
  • Not even one goddamn soundbite to use in Planned Parenthood debate
  • Some stuff about Moses that was kind of hard to follow
  • In moment of candor, admitted how difficult it is to feel sympathy for those who are homeless
  • Cautioned about growing pothole on Constitution Avenue
  • Bunch of shit about hope and healing
  • Five minutes spent ripping apart Sen. Orrin Hatch’s voting record
  • Concluded remarks to sound of members on both sides of aisle openly weeping, hugging each other, and apologizing for wrongdoings

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