Illustration for article titled Highlights Of Pope Francis’ Speech To Congress

Pope Francis began the third day of his U.S. trip by delivering an address to the joint houses of Congress, advising them on a few key issues such as climate change, immigration, and division of wealth. Here are the highlights of the pontiff’s speech:

  • Reluctantly told Congress that God loves them
  • Offered to send two battalions of angels to aid in the fight against ISIS
  • Overcame stage fright of delivering potentially controversial remarks by imagining every congressman in audience crucified
  • Unexpected detour into systemic issues in nation’s fish and wildlife management
  • After each standing ovation held hand to ear and yelled, “I can’t hear you, D.C.!” to even louder applause
  • Not even one goddamn soundbite to use in Planned Parenthood debate
  • Some stuff about Moses that was kind of hard to follow
  • In moment of candor, admitted how difficult it is to feel sympathy for those who are homeless
  • Cautioned about growing pothole on Constitution Avenue
  • Bunch of shit about hope and healing
  • Five minutes spent ripping apart Sen. Orrin Hatch’s voting record
  • Concluded remarks to sound of members on both sides of aisle openly weeping, hugging each other, and apologizing for wrongdoings
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