Pope Francis began the third day of his U.S. trip by delivering an address to the joint houses of Congress, advising them on a few key issues such as climate change, immigration, and division of wealth. Here are the highlights of the pontiff’s speech:
- Reluctantly told Congress that God loves them
- Offered to send two battalions of angels to aid in the fight against ISIS
- Overcame stage fright of delivering potentially controversial remarks by imagining every congressman in audience crucified
- Unexpected detour into systemic issues in nation’s fish and wildlife management
- After each standing ovation held hand to ear and yelled, “I can’t hear you, D.C.!” to even louder applause
- Not even one goddamn soundbite to use in Planned Parenthood debate
- Some stuff about Moses that was kind of hard to follow
- In moment of candor, admitted how difficult it is to feel sympathy for those who are homeless
- Cautioned about growing pothole on Constitution Avenue
- Bunch of shit about hope and healing
- Five minutes spent ripping apart Sen. Orrin Hatch’s voting record
- Concluded remarks to sound of members on both sides of aisle openly weeping, hugging each other, and apologizing for wrongdoings